Sometimes, when I’m alone, I forget.
I get caught up in other things and I forget about the gaping hole inside of me. I’ve been pretty busy lately trying to get my home business up and running. It’s not running, it’s barely crawling in fact. That’s one of the problems of not knowing anyone. You need word of mouth to get started, but all the mouths I have on my side are half way around the world. It’s not that I think people here are against me as such, it’s just that most people have little interest in the success or failure of a stranger.
Its difficult not to take personally.
It’s most difficult when my depression is rearing it’s ugly head. There’s that little voice that says, “It’s your fault. You’ll never succeed. They don’t like you. That’s why she cancelled her appointment.” That’s not why. The client in question did not cancel, she postponed to next week. But it’s difficult not to listen to the voice. I need to remember that most of the time, a clients choice has little or nothing to do with me. It is about them, and that should be fine. It will be fine. I just need to remind myself of that and ignore the voice.
But when I am planning, organising, playing with make up (in the name of working towards my make up artist qualification of course), sometimes I forget all the negative, the loneliness, the emptiness and just enjoy the moment. It’s nice.
Other times it’s like a weight holding me down.
I have to see my sister-in-law today. (I hope she never reads this!) She is pregnant with her second. Both times they got pregnant on the first cycle of trying. I’ve mentioned before that I married into a family of over-achievers. This is no exception. She is everything I want to be and am not. Other than being extremely fertile, she can cook perfect a meal for 12 people with a newborn baby, her house is immaculate, she has a well paid job, tonnes of friends… All the things I don’t have and can’t do. (Please don’t read that my house is dirty, it’s clean, but it badly needs re-decorating. The previous owners didn’t give it much love while they were here and we can only do one thing at a time!)
My husband asked me what’s wrong because I’m being snappy. I had to explain that it’s because I have to see her and could he please just ignore my mood. There’s no point talking about it. I’ve said it all a million times. I would never expect him to not see his sister just because it makes me feel like the most useless excuse for a human being that ever walked the planet. Its my problem to deal with.
It’s worse that shes one of my biggest supporters. With my business, she is a regular customer in both products I sell and I am doing her lashes when I see her (did I mention I’m a lash technician now? I don’t think so). She has also sent customers my way. She knows about the infertility stuff and she’s really supportive of that as well. If I’d have got pregnant as easily as she did then we’d have toddlers just a few months apart by now and we may have even planned our second for the same time. But that didn’t happen. She even did the perfect thing with the second baby. She told me in advance that they would be trying so that it wouldn’t be a horrible shock. Then when it happened, she told my husband so that he could find the right time to tell me. I cried for maybe an hour. But I can’t be angry with her, because everything was done just perfectly.
So sometimes I forget how frustrated I am that I can’t seem to do anything right. How much I dislike myself, and how angry I am with my own body and my life, and all the decisions I made which have lead me to this lonely place where I have to fight so hard just to be ok.
Other times I remember.