Official Failure

It’s official!  I have failed to get pregnant naturally, or even create a pregnancy within my own body.

I started IVF injections yesterday.

After a horrific 10 days of Estrace priming which made me more depressed than I can even describe, no period.  I mean, there was spotting, but not a lot.  Estrace tablets taken as suppositories (shoved up your lady-parts) gives the extremely attractive ‘Smurf Effect’  AKA, blue cervical fluid.  Combined with a little brownish spotting and you get a rather snot-like green.  This did not help me feel better.

Obviously I tested.  I don’t often bother with testing anymore, but this time I did.  Five times.  I’ve never tested more than twice in a cycle before!  I’m good at taking hints.  I’d like to call it hope, but I think desperation would be more accurate.  Obviously I kept all the tests, to [re-examine] stare at until I start to see imaginary lines.  We call that ‘line eyes’.  There’s no point throwing them out.  You only fish them out later to check again – in case you missed something.

Anyone who has experienced bad depression will know how I felt on Estrace.  I’ve had my own battles with depression in the past, and I deal with it by myself, but this was nasty!  I mean, I’ve been that bad before, and worse, but I’d still do everything I can to avoid it again.  It’s like there’s a lead weight in my chest.  I am angry and sad all at once.  Everything bad is a million times worse and I just want to cry and never stop.  I’m so glad that part is over!

The injections are not pleasant, but I’d take them over Estrace.  Menopaur is in the mornings.  The needle isn’t too bad but injecting the medication hurts.  I imagine there will be bruising because the sites are still pretty sore.  Puregon is in the evening.  That comes in a pen and doesn’t really hurt.

IVF is terrifying because it’s a last resort.

Nothing else has worked.  Nothing came close to working.  This is it.

If this fails then I am out of options.

What if there are no good eggs?  What if the embryo doesn’t stick?  What if it does?

I need to work on being positive.  Thinking positively.  Visualising my end goal and it will happen.

Unless it doesn’t.

Adoption isn’t currently an option for my husband.  I don’t know if it’s something I would do, but I can’t do it without my husband’s support anyway.  So this is our last chance.

We have a scan and blood work on Sunday so I will spend the rest of this week practising positive thinking.  Or at least, trying to.


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